I’ve been struggling lately. I don’t want to really label what I am going through, but it feels like a bit of a mild depression. I’ve been working on a very holistic level to figure out why I have the sudden onset of an autoimmune disorder as well as some unusual low energy and mood. It’s been affecting my motivation to work on the business-side of my art. There are shows I could be signing up to do, projects I have been putting off…etc. But I am trying not abandon my art entirely, as it always brings me such joy. It’s just been a bit more of an introverted outlet for me lately, and my own personal healing time.
Part of what is happening is that I am placing too much importance and meaning on my art and business. I am letting how my business is doing dictate my worth. But there is more to this and I will try to convey what I really think is the root cause of my struggles with as much grace as possible.
Years back I woke from an exploratory surgery to discover the abdominal pain I was experiencing was Stage 4 Endometriosis. Just barely awake from the anesthesia, I was advised that I was an ideal candidate for Invitro Fertilization and that I should have children by the time I was 35. Naturally, I was just there to try to determine why I was always in so much pain, not to figure out my fertility status. I was 29 years old at the time and in no position to have a child anyway.
I share this with you because this is a symptom of societal dis-ease. Yes, this doctor was a Reproductive Endocrinologist, and his typical patient was a woman that was struggling to have a child. I, however, was not that typical patient and I did not need that information conveyed to me. I am more than just a baby-making machine. All women are more then just baby-making machines.
I am now 36 years old, with a loving partner, and am on the path of not having any biological children for various reasons, including infertility. Women around me are being celebrated for their mother status constantly. Of course new life and motherhood is something to be honored. All life should be honored.
What I am working through right now is an honest look at my motivation behind my art business. On a very light level my motivation is just to do what I love and what brings me joy, in the hopes that it brings others some joy too. On a more dark and deep level, my motivation is to prove my worth in a society that tells women of my age to “hurry up and push out a baby already.” My priority right now is to heal that wound inside me that allows me to believe my worth is tied to these lies.
Just feeling the need to express my gratitude for a life path that teaches me that I am no less valuable or feminine just because I am not a mother. Knowing this in the core of my being today and letting go of a feeling of inadequacy. What a beautiful life path I have. #gratitude #alllivesarevaluable #selfworth
So here’s to all of the women out there, whatever your status in life, you are precious and valuable and you are not alone.